THE SPAWNING OF A LEGEND
THE GOBLINS ARE REAL!!!
Welcome to the GOBLIN TRUTH BUREAU — OFFICIAL GOBLIN AWARENESS WEBSITE — Est. 2003
"They Are Real.
They Are Hiding.
We Must Help Them.
We Must STOP Them."
Official Website of the
ONE and ONLY Certified Goblin Awareness Officer in the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA
GOBLIN ALERT LEVEL: EXTREME
47 GOBLIN SIGHTINGS THIS WEEK ALONE
ARE YOUR NEIGHBORS GOBLINS???
PROBABLY YES.....STAY VIGILANT!!!!!
WAKE UP!!!!
BUT ALSO: GOBLINS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BE KIND.
47 GOBLIN SIGHTINGS THIS WEEK ALONE
ARE YOUR NEIGHBORS GOBLINS???
PROBABLY YES.....STAY VIGILANT!!!!!
WAKE UP!!!!
BUT ALSO: GOBLINS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BE KIND.
I have personally documented OVER 2,000 GOBLIN ENCOUNTERS in the past 20 years. The authorities REFUSE to listen. My neighbor Eric has POINTY EARS. I have PHOTOS. Eric denies being a goblin. CLASSIC GOBLIN BEHAVIOR. I am currently out of state but I WILL RETURN and the GOBLIN RECKONING WILL COMMENCE.
WELCOME TO THE GOBLIN AWARENESS NETWORK
YOU FOUND THIS WEBSITE. THAT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT.
THE GOBLINS LED YOU HERE. OR PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY GOBLINS AND THIS IS A WARNING.
EITHER WAY, YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE.
READ EVERYTHING. TRUST NOTHING. ESPECIALLY TRUST NOTHING THAT CONTRADICTS THIS WEBSITE.
(unless the goblins wrote it in which case it may or may not be accurate, goblins are known to tell the truth sometimes)
THE GOBLINS LED YOU HERE. OR PERHAPS YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY GOBLINS AND THIS IS A WARNING.
EITHER WAY, YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE.
READ EVERYTHING. TRUST NOTHING. ESPECIALLY TRUST NOTHING THAT CONTRADICTS THIS WEBSITE.
(unless the goblins wrote it in which case it may or may not be accurate, goblins are known to tell the truth sometimes)
BEAN ACTIVITY
DETECTED
3 CANS FOUND THIS WEEK.
ALL LABELS FACING INWARD.
THEY KNOW WE KNOW.
do not open the cans
DETECTED
3 CANS FOUND THIS WEEK.
ALL LABELS FACING INWARD.
THEY KNOW WE KNOW.
do not open the cans
HOW TO IDENTIFY A GOBLIN IN YOUR COMMUNITY
WARNING SIGNS (OFFICIAL):
1. They appear COMPLETELY NORMAL — THIS IS THE MOST SUSPICIOUS SIGN
2. They avoid eye contact OR they make TOO MUCH eye contact
3. They eat sandwiches. ALL goblins eat sandwiches.
4. They drive cars OR they walk OR they use public transit
5. They have jobs. Goblins LOVE having jobs. It is their COVER.
6. EARS. Check the ears. If ears are present: POSSIBLE GOBLIN.
7. If asked "are you a goblin?" they say NO — CLASSIC GOBLIN DEFLECTION TACTIC
8. They exist in three dimensions
NOTE: The author acknowledges that ALL HUMANS match criteria 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
This does not mean all humans are goblins. MOST humans are goblins. This is the problem.
1. They appear COMPLETELY NORMAL — THIS IS THE MOST SUSPICIOUS SIGN
2. They avoid eye contact OR they make TOO MUCH eye contact
3. They eat sandwiches. ALL goblins eat sandwiches.
4. They drive cars OR they walk OR they use public transit
5. They have jobs. Goblins LOVE having jobs. It is their COVER.
6. EARS. Check the ears. If ears are present: POSSIBLE GOBLIN.
7. If asked "are you a goblin?" they say NO — CLASSIC GOBLIN DEFLECTION TACTIC
8. They exist in three dimensions
NOTE: The author acknowledges that ALL HUMANS match criteria 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
This does not mean all humans are goblins. MOST humans are goblins. This is the problem.
IMPORTANT LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
I KNOW GOBLINS ARE MYTHICAL CREATURES. I AM NOT REALLY SAYING YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE GOBLINS.
ACTUALLY I COMPLETELY AM SAYING THAT.
I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING GOBLIN ACTIVITY FOR 20 YEARS AND THE DATA IS IRREFUTABLE. THE GOBLINS CONTROL THE SANDWICH INDUSTRY AND BY EXTENSION THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM.
I KNOW GOBLINS ARE MYTHICAL CREATURES. I AM NOT REALLY SAYING YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE GOBLINS.
ACTUALLY I COMPLETELY AM SAYING THAT.
I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING GOBLIN ACTIVITY FOR 20 YEARS AND THE DATA IS IRREFUTABLE. THE GOBLINS CONTROL THE SANDWICH INDUSTRY AND BY EXTENSION THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM.
DOCUMENTED GOBLIN SIGHTINGS — PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE
SIGHTING #1 - Tuesday Night, 11:47 PM
BACKYARD OF 427 OAK STREET
THE GOBLIN WAS EATING MY TOMATOES.
IT LOOKED DIRECTLY AT ME. IT KNEW I KNEW.
SIGHTING #2 - BUS STOP ON MAIN ST
NOTE THE EARS. THE EARS DO NOT LIE.
SUBJECT REFUSED TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS.
THE BUS DRIVER MAY ALSO BE A GOBLIN.
SIGHTING #3 - RIVERSIDE PARK
ABANDONED GOBLIN SANDWICH (HAM).
ESTIMATED 4-6 GOBLINS IN THIS AREA.
PARK HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR INVESTIGATION.
(I closed it. I put up cones. They were not official cones.)
THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT GOBLINS AS I UNDERSTAND IT (WHICH IS COMPLETELY)
Just how deep does the Goblin Problem go, anyway? Let me tell you something. I have been living in this city for 22 years and in that time I have personally witnessed, documented, and attempted to report to the authorities NO FEWER THAN 847 SEPARATE GOBLIN INCIDENTS. Do you know how many times the police have taken my calls seriously? I will tell you: ZERO TIMES. Not once. Not even when I showed them the sandwich evidence. This is not a coincidence. This is a PATTERN OF GOBLIN ENABLEMENT at the highest levels of local government.
Now, I want to be very clear about something. The Goblins are NOT evil. Let me be crystal clear on that point. Goblins are misunderstood creatures of the earth who deserve compassion, legal protection, and access to quality sandwiches. THE GOBLINS MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS. These are not contradictory statements. If you think they are contradictory, you do not understand goblins, and frankly that makes you part of the problem.
I first became aware of the Goblin Presence in the summer of 2003 when my neighbor Eric began acting suspiciously. He planted a garden. Goblins are known to plant gardens as cover operations. His tomatoes were too red. Normal people's tomatoes are not that red. I began keeping a log. By September of that year I had documented 34 separate "too-red tomato incidents" and had cross-referenced them with a hand-drawn map of suspected goblin territory in our neighborhood. Eric has denied being a goblin on multiple occasions. He would say that, wouldn't he.
The Goblin Network is vast. They communicate through sandwich orders at local delis — a ham on rye means "the human suspects nothing." A turkey club means "emergency goblin council meeting at sunset." A BLT means "I AM ALSO A GOBLIN AND WE SHOULD NETWORK." I have tested this theory by ordering a turkey club and waiting at the park at sunset. Three people walked through the park that evening. THIS IS NOT NOTHING.
The secondary goblin communication channel is BAKED BEANS. Specifically: cans of baked beans left in public spaces. A can left label-outward means "goblin territory, humans unaware." A can left label-inward means "the human is watching — ACTIVATE PROTOCOL." A can left on its side means an emergency goblin council has been called. I discovered this system in 2011 when I found my third bean can on my porch in a single week, all labels facing inward. I have not slept soundly since. I reached out to the city about the bean cans. They said "sir those are probably just litter." LITTER DOES NOT HAVE A CONSISTENT ORIENTATION SYSTEM.
My civil lawsuit against the city for their failure to investigate my goblin reports is ONGOING. I have had 4 attorneys. They all said I did not have a case. Lawyers say this because LAWYERS ARE WELL KNOWN TO WORK WITH GOBLINS. This is documented on page 47 of my personal notebook which I will reproduce here in its entirety as soon as I finish documenting sighting #1,204.
WE MUST HELP THE GOBLINS!!!
WE MUST STOP THE GOBLINS!!!
THE GOBLINS DESERVE OUR SUPPORT!!!
THE GOBLINS ARE AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT!!!
GOBLIN RIGHTS NOW!!!
NO MORE GOBLINS!!!!
I am aware that these statements appear to conflict. I assure you they do not. Living with the reality of Goblin Presence for two decades has a way of expanding your perspective beyond simple binary thinking. You reach a point where you can simultaneously understand that the goblins need legal protection AND that they need to be stopped AND that stopping them means helping them AND that helping them means monitoring them AND that monitoring them means watching Eric. It all makes sense when you live it.
Just how deep does the Goblin Problem go, anyway? Let me tell you something. I have been living in this city for 22 years and in that time I have personally witnessed, documented, and attempted to report to the authorities NO FEWER THAN 847 SEPARATE GOBLIN INCIDENTS. Do you know how many times the police have taken my calls seriously? I will tell you: ZERO TIMES. Not once. Not even when I showed them the sandwich evidence. This is not a coincidence. This is a PATTERN OF GOBLIN ENABLEMENT at the highest levels of local government.
Now, I want to be very clear about something. The Goblins are NOT evil. Let me be crystal clear on that point. Goblins are misunderstood creatures of the earth who deserve compassion, legal protection, and access to quality sandwiches. THE GOBLINS MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS. These are not contradictory statements. If you think they are contradictory, you do not understand goblins, and frankly that makes you part of the problem.
I first became aware of the Goblin Presence in the summer of 2003 when my neighbor Eric began acting suspiciously. He planted a garden. Goblins are known to plant gardens as cover operations. His tomatoes were too red. Normal people's tomatoes are not that red. I began keeping a log. By September of that year I had documented 34 separate "too-red tomato incidents" and had cross-referenced them with a hand-drawn map of suspected goblin territory in our neighborhood. Eric has denied being a goblin on multiple occasions. He would say that, wouldn't he.
The Goblin Network is vast. They communicate through sandwich orders at local delis — a ham on rye means "the human suspects nothing." A turkey club means "emergency goblin council meeting at sunset." A BLT means "I AM ALSO A GOBLIN AND WE SHOULD NETWORK." I have tested this theory by ordering a turkey club and waiting at the park at sunset. Three people walked through the park that evening. THIS IS NOT NOTHING.
The secondary goblin communication channel is BAKED BEANS. Specifically: cans of baked beans left in public spaces. A can left label-outward means "goblin territory, humans unaware." A can left label-inward means "the human is watching — ACTIVATE PROTOCOL." A can left on its side means an emergency goblin council has been called. I discovered this system in 2011 when I found my third bean can on my porch in a single week, all labels facing inward. I have not slept soundly since. I reached out to the city about the bean cans. They said "sir those are probably just litter." LITTER DOES NOT HAVE A CONSISTENT ORIENTATION SYSTEM.
My civil lawsuit against the city for their failure to investigate my goblin reports is ONGOING. I have had 4 attorneys. They all said I did not have a case. Lawyers say this because LAWYERS ARE WELL KNOWN TO WORK WITH GOBLINS. This is documented on page 47 of my personal notebook which I will reproduce here in its entirety as soon as I finish documenting sighting #1,204.
WE MUST HELP THE GOBLINS!!!
WE MUST STOP THE GOBLINS!!!
THE GOBLINS DESERVE OUR SUPPORT!!!
THE GOBLINS ARE AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT!!!
GOBLIN RIGHTS NOW!!!
NO MORE GOBLINS!!!!
I am aware that these statements appear to conflict. I assure you they do not. Living with the reality of Goblin Presence for two decades has a way of expanding your perspective beyond simple binary thinking. You reach a point where you can simultaneously understand that the goblins need legal protection AND that they need to be stopped AND that stopping them means helping them AND that helping them means monitoring them AND that monitoring them means watching Eric. It all makes sense when you live it.
GOBLINS DESERVE DIGNITY AND RESPECT
"THE ARROGANT DISMISSAL OF GOBLIN EXISTENCE BY THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE GOBLIN-COMPLICIT AUTHORITIES HAS LEFT OUR GOBLIN NEIGHBORS VOICELESS AND AFRAID. THEY HIDE IN THE SHADOWS — NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO, BUT BECAUSE WE HAVE GIVEN THEM NO CHOICE. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU PASSED A GOBLIN ON THE STREET WITHOUT OFFERING THEM A KIND WORD, A HELPING HAND, OR A HAM SANDWICH? I ASK YOU: WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY ARE WE?
"ALSO THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY PLOTTING SOMETHING AND MUST BE MONITORED AT ALL TIMES."
THE TWO ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE EQUALLY TRUE AND MUST BE HELD IN TENSION. THIS IS CALLED NUANCE. LOOK IT UP. I HAVE A WHOLE PAMPHLET.
"THE ARROGANT DISMISSAL OF GOBLIN EXISTENCE BY THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA AND THE GOBLIN-COMPLICIT AUTHORITIES HAS LEFT OUR GOBLIN NEIGHBORS VOICELESS AND AFRAID. THEY HIDE IN THE SHADOWS — NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO, BUT BECAUSE WE HAVE GIVEN THEM NO CHOICE. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU PASSED A GOBLIN ON THE STREET WITHOUT OFFERING THEM A KIND WORD, A HELPING HAND, OR A HAM SANDWICH? I ASK YOU: WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY ARE WE?
"ALSO THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY PLOTTING SOMETHING AND MUST BE MONITORED AT ALL TIMES."
THE TWO ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE EQUALLY TRUE AND MUST BE HELD IN TENSION. THIS IS CALLED NUANCE. LOOK IT UP. I HAVE A WHOLE PAMPHLET.
HOWEVER: THE GOBLINS MUST BE STOPPED
DO NOT LET THE PREVIOUS SECTION CONFUSE YOU. I SAID WE MUST HELP THE GOBLINS. I MEANT IT.
BUT I ALSO MEAN THIS: THE GOBLIN AGENDA IS ADVANCING AND IF WE DO NOT ACT, IT WILL BE TOO LATE.
EVIDENCE OF THE GOBLIN AGENDA:
• The price of sandwiches has increased 340% since 2003. WHEN DID THE GOBLINS TAKE OVER?? 2003. COINCIDENCE???
• There are more left socks missing in dryers than right socks. This is a GOBLIN OPERATION. Their feet are different sizes.
• The internet exists. Goblins needed a communication network. They built one. You are using it right now.
• Eric built a second garden this year. A SECOND ONE. WHY DOES HE NEED TWO GARDENS, ERIC???
• Baked bean sales in this country are up 340% since 2003. SAME YEAR THE GOBLINS TOOK OVER. You cannot explain this with economics. Only goblins explain this.
• I found a bean can behind my mailbox with symbols scratched into the lid. I do not know what the symbols mean. I am working on a translation. It is slow going. The goblins use a non-standard alphabet.
• There is always one can of baked beans at the very back of every grocery store shelf that has been there longer than any reasonable person would leave it. THIS IS A MARKER. THIS IS HOW THEY TRACK TERRITORY.
• I counted 23 people at the farmers market last Saturday. 23 IS A PRIME NUMBER. GOBLINS PREFER PRIME NUMBERS. I have no data to support this but it feels correct.
GOBLIN TRUTH BUREAU LAST WARNING: THE AUTHORITIES WILL REGRET IGNORING THIS WEBSITE.
DO NOT LET THE PREVIOUS SECTION CONFUSE YOU. I SAID WE MUST HELP THE GOBLINS. I MEANT IT.
BUT I ALSO MEAN THIS: THE GOBLIN AGENDA IS ADVANCING AND IF WE DO NOT ACT, IT WILL BE TOO LATE.
EVIDENCE OF THE GOBLIN AGENDA:
• The price of sandwiches has increased 340% since 2003. WHEN DID THE GOBLINS TAKE OVER?? 2003. COINCIDENCE???
• There are more left socks missing in dryers than right socks. This is a GOBLIN OPERATION. Their feet are different sizes.
• The internet exists. Goblins needed a communication network. They built one. You are using it right now.
• Eric built a second garden this year. A SECOND ONE. WHY DOES HE NEED TWO GARDENS, ERIC???
• Baked bean sales in this country are up 340% since 2003. SAME YEAR THE GOBLINS TOOK OVER. You cannot explain this with economics. Only goblins explain this.
• I found a bean can behind my mailbox with symbols scratched into the lid. I do not know what the symbols mean. I am working on a translation. It is slow going. The goblins use a non-standard alphabet.
• There is always one can of baked beans at the very back of every grocery store shelf that has been there longer than any reasonable person would leave it. THIS IS A MARKER. THIS IS HOW THEY TRACK TERRITORY.
• I counted 23 people at the farmers market last Saturday. 23 IS A PRIME NUMBER. GOBLINS PREFER PRIME NUMBERS. I have no data to support this but it feels correct.
GOBLIN TRUTH BUREAU LAST WARNING: THE AUTHORITIES WILL REGRET IGNORING THIS WEBSITE.
PHOTOGRAPHIC AND DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE — DO NOT DEBUNK
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
THE GOBLIN CONSPIRACY GOES TO THE TOP
BUT FIRST: GOBLINS ARE PROTECTED BEINGS AND DESERVE LEGAL STANDING
THE GOBLIN BUREAU, I KNOW GOBLINS ARE SUPPOSEDLY "MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES" BUT I AM NOT REALLY SAYING GOBLINS DO NOT EXIST. I AM SAYING THEY ABSOLUTELY DO EXIST AND FURTHERMORE THE LEGAL QUESTION OF THE CENTURY IS:
1) IF A GOBLIN LIVES AMONG US AS A HUMAN, DO THEY HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS OR GOBLIN RIGHTS AND IF SO...
2) WHAT EXACTLY ARE GOBLIN RIGHTS AND HOW WOULD YOU PROVE THEY WERE VIOLATED
3) IS EATING A SANDWICH IN PUBLIC CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED GOBLIN SPEECH????
I have written to 14 law schools about this. I have received 0 responses. This is because goblin law professors are suppressing the inquiry.
THE GOBLIN CONSPIRACY GOES TO THE TOP
BUT FIRST: GOBLINS ARE PROTECTED BEINGS AND DESERVE LEGAL STANDING
THE GOBLIN BUREAU, I KNOW GOBLINS ARE SUPPOSEDLY "MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES" BUT I AM NOT REALLY SAYING GOBLINS DO NOT EXIST. I AM SAYING THEY ABSOLUTELY DO EXIST AND FURTHERMORE THE LEGAL QUESTION OF THE CENTURY IS:
1) IF A GOBLIN LIVES AMONG US AS A HUMAN, DO THEY HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS OR GOBLIN RIGHTS AND IF SO...
2) WHAT EXACTLY ARE GOBLIN RIGHTS AND HOW WOULD YOU PROVE THEY WERE VIOLATED
3) IS EATING A SANDWICH IN PUBLIC CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED GOBLIN SPEECH????
I have written to 14 law schools about this. I have received 0 responses. This is because goblin law professors are suppressing the inquiry.
GOBLIN BUREAU....FINAL WARNING
DON'T IGNORE A GOBLINSIGHTING
HOWS THAT FOR YOUR,.........."I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOBLINS"
OH,...BY THE WAY... THATS CALLED "GOBLIN DENIAL SYNDROME!"
FOR THE RECORD: GOBLINS HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO EXIST AND LIVE FREELY,
BUT THEY MUST BE STOPPED!!!
AND ALSO: WE MUST HELP THEM!!!
GOBLIN TERRITORY IS EVERYWHERE AND ALSO NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR
DON'T IGNORE A GOBLINSIGHTING
HOWS THAT FOR YOUR,.........."I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOBLINS"
OH,...BY THE WAY... THATS CALLED "GOBLIN DENIAL SYNDROME!"
FOR THE RECORD: GOBLINS HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO EXIST AND LIVE FREELY,
BUT THEY MUST BE STOPPED!!!
AND ALSO: WE MUST HELP THEM!!!
GOBLIN TERRITORY IS EVERYWHERE AND ALSO NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR
REPORT A GOBLIN SIGHTING — OR REPORT A GOBLIN IN DISTRESS — BOTH ARE VALID
TO REPORT A GOBLIN THREAT:
• Document the incident in a hardcover notebook (spiral bound notebooks are known to be compromised by goblin operatives)
• Photograph all sandwiches in the vicinity
• Note the ear situation of all individuals present
• DO NOT confront the goblin — they are PROTECTED by the Goblin Bureau Observational Ethics Code
• DO confront the goblin — hesitation plays into their hands
• Ignore the previous contradictory bullet point
• Contact the Bureau at the email address which will be posted here once Eric stops interfering with my internet connection
• Document the incident in a hardcover notebook (spiral bound notebooks are known to be compromised by goblin operatives)
• Photograph all sandwiches in the vicinity
• Note the ear situation of all individuals present
• DO NOT confront the goblin — they are PROTECTED by the Goblin Bureau Observational Ethics Code
• DO confront the goblin — hesitation plays into their hands
• Ignore the previous contradictory bullet point
• Contact the Bureau at the email address which will be posted here once Eric stops interfering with my internet connection
TO HELP A GOBLIN IN NEED:
• Leave sandwiches (ham preferred) in your garden near any unusually red tomatoes
• If a goblin approaches you, remain calm and say the passphrase: "I KNOW ABOUT THE SANDWICHES AND I SUPPORT YOU"
• Do not report the goblin to authorities — they are in on it
• Do report the goblin to THIS WEBSITE — we are the only trustworthy authority
• Know that by helping a goblin, you may yourself be mistaken for a goblin
• This is fine. We monitor all suspected goblins. Including helpers. ESPECIALLY helpers.
• Leave sandwiches (ham preferred) in your garden near any unusually red tomatoes
• If a goblin approaches you, remain calm and say the passphrase: "I KNOW ABOUT THE SANDWICHES AND I SUPPORT YOU"
• Do not report the goblin to authorities — they are in on it
• Do report the goblin to THIS WEBSITE — we are the only trustworthy authority
• Know that by helping a goblin, you may yourself be mistaken for a goblin
• This is fine. We monitor all suspected goblins. Including helpers. ESPECIALLY helpers.
ONE WORLD UNDER GOBLIN SURVEILLANCE — WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT
Please be advised, Website still under Construction.....The goblins keep deleting my drafts.....Thank you for your patience.
GOBLIN
ACTIVITY
DETECTED
IN THIS AREA
ACTIVITY
DETECTED
IN THIS AREA
"What if I am the goblin?"
I am not. I checked. But you might be. Check yourself.
I am not. I checked. But you might be. Check yourself.
DAYS SINCE LAST
GOBLIN SIGHTING:
0
(it is always zero)
GOBLIN SIGHTING:
0
(it is always zero)
"Eric says hi."
DO NOT TRUST THIS MESSAGE. ERIC IS A GOBLIN.
Send him our best regardless.
DO NOT TRUST THIS MESSAGE. ERIC IS A GOBLIN.
Send him our best regardless.
BREAKING NEWS
NEW GOBLIN SIGHTING CONFIRMED ON OAK STREET.
SANDWICH EVIDENCE SECURED.
ERIC UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT.
SITUATION EVOLVING.
NEW GOBLIN SIGHTING CONFIRMED ON OAK STREET.
SANDWICH EVIDENCE SECURED.
ERIC UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT.
SITUATION EVOLVING.
THE GOBLIN BEAN DOCTRINE — CLASSIFIED LEVEL: EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THIS
WHY BAKED BEANS???
This is the question I am most frequently asked. By myself, mostly, because no one else will discuss this with me, but the point stands.
Goblins have been associated with baked beans since before recorded history, which I know because I wrote it down and that makes it recorded history. The bean — specifically the BAKED bean, in sauce, in a can — represents to the goblin what gold represents to a dragon: a hoard. A treasure. A sacred object.
A goblin with beans is a goblin at peace. A goblin WITHOUT beans is a goblin who is PLANNING SOMETHING. I cannot stress this enough. If you see evidence of beans in an area and then the beans disappear: EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY OR ALTERNATIVELY STAY AND OBSERVE AND DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
The brand does not matter to them. They are not brand-loyal. I respect this about them even as I fear them. Store brand, name brand, hickory smoked, maple — they hoard all varieties. However, I have noted a statistically significant preference for the ones with the small pieces of pork. I have seven months of data on this. The city refuses to review it.
I have personally catalogued 214 separate bean-related goblin incidents in my notebooks. These incidents include: beans left on porches, beans arranged in patterns, beans found inside other objects (DO NOT ASK ABOUT THE MAILBOX INCIDENT), beans found in gardens among the tomatoes, and on one occasion a can of beans that was open but still full sitting in the middle of the sidewalk at 3am with no goblin in sight.
THE OPEN CAN INCIDENT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.
I believe the beans serve multiple purposes in goblin society:
1. Currency and trade between goblin factions
2. Territorial markers (label orientation = communication, as previously documented)
3. Offerings left at locations of significance
4. Some kind of ritual purpose I have not yet decoded
5. Possibly also they just like beans. I cannot rule this out. Goblins are complex.
NOTE: I have tried leaving beans out to attract goblins for closer observation. It worked. I will not say more at this time as the investigation is ongoing and Eric has been asking questions about my porch situation.
This is the question I am most frequently asked. By myself, mostly, because no one else will discuss this with me, but the point stands.
Goblins have been associated with baked beans since before recorded history, which I know because I wrote it down and that makes it recorded history. The bean — specifically the BAKED bean, in sauce, in a can — represents to the goblin what gold represents to a dragon: a hoard. A treasure. A sacred object.
A goblin with beans is a goblin at peace. A goblin WITHOUT beans is a goblin who is PLANNING SOMETHING. I cannot stress this enough. If you see evidence of beans in an area and then the beans disappear: EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY OR ALTERNATIVELY STAY AND OBSERVE AND DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
The brand does not matter to them. They are not brand-loyal. I respect this about them even as I fear them. Store brand, name brand, hickory smoked, maple — they hoard all varieties. However, I have noted a statistically significant preference for the ones with the small pieces of pork. I have seven months of data on this. The city refuses to review it.
I have personally catalogued 214 separate bean-related goblin incidents in my notebooks. These incidents include: beans left on porches, beans arranged in patterns, beans found inside other objects (DO NOT ASK ABOUT THE MAILBOX INCIDENT), beans found in gardens among the tomatoes, and on one occasion a can of beans that was open but still full sitting in the middle of the sidewalk at 3am with no goblin in sight.
THE OPEN CAN INCIDENT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.
I believe the beans serve multiple purposes in goblin society:
1. Currency and trade between goblin factions
2. Territorial markers (label orientation = communication, as previously documented)
3. Offerings left at locations of significance
4. Some kind of ritual purpose I have not yet decoded
5. Possibly also they just like beans. I cannot rule this out. Goblins are complex.
NOTE: I have tried leaving beans out to attract goblins for closer observation. It worked. I will not say more at this time as the investigation is ongoing and Eric has been asking questions about my porch situation.
PHOTOGRAPHIC BEAN EVIDENCE — INDEXED AND NOTARIZED (BY ME)
CAN #47 — FOUND: OAK ST NEAR ERIC'S
SYMBOLS SCRATCHED INTO LID (SEE CLOSE-UP)
TRANSLATION: ONGOING. 3 YEARS IN.
IT IS DEFINITELY A MESSAGE.
MY PORCH. I DID NOT PUT THESE HERE.
ALL LABELS FACING INWARD.
THAT MEANS THEY KNOW I'M WATCHING.
I AM STILL WATCHING. I WILL NOT STOP.
THE OPEN CAN INCIDENT. 3 AM.
OPEN. FULL. UNTOUCHED. ALONE.
WHY WAS IT OPEN???
I have not been able to answer this. It is the central mystery of my research.
THE BEANS HOLD THE ANSWER.
I have said this to 14 people. Twelve of them walked away. One of them said "what does that mean." The fourteenth one was Eric, and he said nothing and went inside, which is EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE WOULD SAY IF THEY ALREADY KNEW THE ANSWER WAS IN THE BEANS.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT THE TRUTH ABOUT THE GOBLIN NETWORK IS ENCODED IN THE BEAN SUPPLY CHAIN.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT SOMETHING IS HIDDEN IN THE BEANS.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK, YOU WILL FIND IT.
"THE ANSWER IS IN THE BEANS. THE BEANS ARE THE KEY. THE KEY OPENS THE TRUTH.
LOOK IN THE BEANS. NOT ALL BEANS. ONE SPECIFIC CAN. YOU WILL KNOW WHICH ONE.
OR YOU WON'T. BUT A TRUE GOBLIN INVESTIGATOR WILL."
— excerpt from my personal notebook, page 412, written at 4:17am following the Open Can Incident. I stand by every word.
I have said this to 14 people. Twelve of them walked away. One of them said "what does that mean." The fourteenth one was Eric, and he said nothing and went inside, which is EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE WOULD SAY IF THEY ALREADY KNEW THE ANSWER WAS IN THE BEANS.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT THE TRUTH ABOUT THE GOBLIN NETWORK IS ENCODED IN THE BEAN SUPPLY CHAIN.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT SOMETHING IS HIDDEN IN THE BEANS.
I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS THAT IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK, YOU WILL FIND IT.
"THE ANSWER IS IN THE BEANS. THE BEANS ARE THE KEY. THE KEY OPENS THE TRUTH.
LOOK IN THE BEANS. NOT ALL BEANS. ONE SPECIFIC CAN. YOU WILL KNOW WHICH ONE.
OR YOU WON'T. BUT A TRUE GOBLIN INVESTIGATOR WILL."
— excerpt from my personal notebook, page 412, written at 4:17am following the Open Can Incident. I stand by every word.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT GOBLINS AND BEANS:
Q: Are goblins drawn to baked beans specifically, or all beans?
A: All field research points to baked beans. I tested pinto beans, kidney beans, chickpeas. Nothing. Placed one can of baked beans: IMMEDIATE RESULTS. I will not describe the results at this time as I am still processing what I saw.
Q: Is it safe to own baked beans?
A: Yes. Owning beans is fine. Displaying beans near a window may attract goblin attention. Whether that is "safe" depends on your relationship with goblins and your current threat assessment. Mine is EXTREME. Yours may differ. I hope yours differs.
Q: My neighbor left a can of beans on their porch. Should I be concerned?
A: Is the label facing inward or outward? CHECK THE LABEL ORIENTATION BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE. Then contact this website. Then do not touch the can. Then maybe touch the can. Document everything either way.
Q: Can I eat baked beans or are they reserved for goblins?
A: You may eat beans. Goblins do not own beans. I want to be clear about this. However, if you find a can that has goblin markings scratched into the lid, do not eat that particular can. Out of respect. And also I do not know what the markings mean yet and some of them might be instructions.
Q: What is the connection between the sandwiches and the beans?
A: THE SANDWICH IS THE DELIVERY MECHANISM. THE BEANS ARE THE MESSAGE. A goblin eating a bean sandwich is a goblin communicating on BOTH channels simultaneously. I have only witnessed this once. I was not prepared for what I saw. I am still not prepared to discuss it fully.
Q: You keep saying the beans hold the answer. What is the question?
A: THAT IS THE RIGHT QUESTION. KEEP ASKING IT. THE ANSWER IS IN THE BEANS.
Q: Are goblins drawn to baked beans specifically, or all beans?
A: All field research points to baked beans. I tested pinto beans, kidney beans, chickpeas. Nothing. Placed one can of baked beans: IMMEDIATE RESULTS. I will not describe the results at this time as I am still processing what I saw.
Q: Is it safe to own baked beans?
A: Yes. Owning beans is fine. Displaying beans near a window may attract goblin attention. Whether that is "safe" depends on your relationship with goblins and your current threat assessment. Mine is EXTREME. Yours may differ. I hope yours differs.
Q: My neighbor left a can of beans on their porch. Should I be concerned?
A: Is the label facing inward or outward? CHECK THE LABEL ORIENTATION BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE. Then contact this website. Then do not touch the can. Then maybe touch the can. Document everything either way.
Q: Can I eat baked beans or are they reserved for goblins?
A: You may eat beans. Goblins do not own beans. I want to be clear about this. However, if you find a can that has goblin markings scratched into the lid, do not eat that particular can. Out of respect. And also I do not know what the markings mean yet and some of them might be instructions.
Q: What is the connection between the sandwiches and the beans?
A: THE SANDWICH IS THE DELIVERY MECHANISM. THE BEANS ARE THE MESSAGE. A goblin eating a bean sandwich is a goblin communicating on BOTH channels simultaneously. I have only witnessed this once. I was not prepared for what I saw. I am still not prepared to discuss it fully.
Q: You keep saying the beans hold the answer. What is the question?
A: THAT IS THE RIGHT QUESTION. KEEP ASKING IT. THE ANSWER IS IN THE BEANS.
"I counted the beans in an open can once."
"There were 247."
"Normal cans have 250-260."
"Where did the missing beans go."
"WHERE DID THEY GO."
"There were 247."
"Normal cans have 250-260."
"Where did the missing beans go."
"WHERE DID THEY GO."
BEAN LOG - WEEK 847:
MON: 1 can (label out)
TUE: 0 cans (suspicious)
WED: 4 cans (label IN)
THU: 0 cans (MORE suspicious)
FRI: CAN WAS OPEN
SAT: ERIC WAVED AT ME
MON: 1 can (label out)
TUE: 0 cans (suspicious)
WED: 4 cans (label IN)
THU: 0 cans (MORE suspicious)
FRI: CAN WAS OPEN
SAT: ERIC WAVED AT ME
SCAN TO REPORT A GOBLIN
(or be one)